I have many unhappy thoughts running around my brain, to be condensed to this: Today was a miserable day.
I’m upset over a number of things, and I’m not sure if PMS is contributing to it. But to put them down in a well thought-out, systematic way, I’m going to number them.
I sound like a whiny bitch. Okay, give me 1 day to be a whiny bitch. So there.
1. Office work is awful sometimes. I like my co-workers but urgh. The Paperwork. Urgh. Urgh. Urgh. I think you get the picture. I was matching up flag day tin serial numbers today (I work for a charity) and IT. WAS. HORRIBLE. I still see serial numbers buzzing around in front of my eyes when I close them. And apparently since it was so obvious that I was suffering, the boss scolded(?) one of my co-workers for giving it to me to do. And I feel terrible because of it. Gah.
2. BFF problems. Its hard to acknowledge that I don’t know my own BFF anymore. Even harder to admit that I know its been going on for a while. At least a year. Maybe almost 2. And yet, I still refer to you as my ‘best friend’. Its become a habit. And not one I want to break, never in a million years. And a good friend of mine tweeted this link, and after I read it, I just wanted to puke emotionally (if that is even a thing.) Quoting it down here. Its absolute truth.
-Edit- I can’t find it now. My friend deleted it. I suppose its for the best. I almost wanted to bawl in my office. It was not pretty. I responded by plugging in loud Disney/Broadway and chugging through serial numbers.
But back to my point. It seems that ever since she got a boyfriend, I’m out of the loop. When her great-grandmother’s passed away recently, I wanted to be there for her, to support her and be a really good friend, but I just get the feeling I’m being pushed away again, and again, and again. Its not her boyfriend’s fault. In fact, I’m happy for her. She seems to have found someone who could very-possibly be for the long term, because they GET each others needs (or lack thereof). But I am trying my darndest to connect with her on the level she is with her boyfriend. I want to be involved and be there, but I come off as desperate. The thing about her is that she needs NOTHING.
How do you connect with a person who never wants to confide in you? Who can never tell you her struggles or is too kind to place her trust (and complaints) in you? How do I even know what’s going on in your life anymore? You don’t tell me. When we have a conversation, I’m trying so hard to keep it going.It shouldn’t have to be that way. Yes, when we were kids, we filled up our time drawing nonsense and coming up with stories of Kelly dolls drowning in lakes. It was great, crazy fun. It didn’t involve messy, personal issues. But we’re not kids anymore. We don’t have our streak of weird storytelling to bind us anymore.
And its not your fault I know. You don’t have needs. But I do. I like telling people what’s going on in my life, to hear their views, and I like to hear from my friends, to offer them advice, to tell them not to rush relationships, that the boy is totally wrong for them, that the boy is good for them. And when I offer advice, its because I care. You can’t deprive me of caring. I need to care. I need to care for you, so that I feel we’re actually forging our bonds of friendship.
So if I can’t care for you, what can I do?
I’ve considered you my best friend since I was 9, and since last year, you’ve been my godsister. Somehow downgrading you to ‘friend’ feels like soon you’ll be ‘ex-classmate’, then ‘acquaintance’ and finally just ‘someone I once knew’.
Your mother is my godmother, our parents are such good friends… My heart hurts just thinking about it. But knowing her, she probably suspects nothing. And thats what is so annoying.
3. Number 2 makes number 3 so stupid in comparison. Friendzoning a guy. That’s all I wanna say. You’re a fantastic guy, and you deserve an amazing girl, but that girl is not me. I’m full of enough shit as it is, you don’t want the over-thinking mess that is me.
That’s all for tonight. I feel better after puking… emotionally. I like that phrase. I think I’ll keep it.
I have 2 really ugly, annoying pimples on my forehead right now, that won’t go away even though I’ve started using toner as well. They’re just these little balls of pus simmering beneath the surface. Its kinda metaphoric, actually, now that I think about it.
Anyways, I’ve just started a new phase of my life in Ngee Ann Polytechnic, studying Mass Communication. Which is something I’ve wanted for 2 years or so. So it is pretty surreal, when I wake up every morning (at varying times, since I only have morning lessons twice a week), reminding myself that I’m doing what I REALLY want to do.
Its kinda strange having that kind of freedom.
Not a bad kind of strange, though. I’ve met loads of really friendly, interesting people. And I think I fit in relatively well. Like, I don’t get weird looks when I say I’m a huge Disney and musical nerd.
Like, its totally fine.
And the lessons are so different. Like Radio Production (sidetrack: my voice sounds SO WEIRD on tape. But I guess everyone feels the same way), Graphic Communication (I’m struggling with Illustrator though) and Speech Communication, just to name a few. I have hardly any exams- but lots and lots and lots of projects apparently. Its kinda hard for me to get started on them at this very moment, since I don’t have much knowledge yet- but I feel the mounting pressure.
Its gonna be very… pleasurable, especially since I’ve just got out from an incredibly long holiday.
But I guess there’s always a good time to pop that pimple right?
I guess I try not to be affected, but I always am.
I suppose I try to conceal what I feel, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
Being yourself is important, but no one said it made you popular.
Being nice isn’t always reciprocated, which is something I’ve yet to learn.
When you’re sixteen, I don’t think you’re supposed to know who you are- or else I’m screwed as fuck.
Been wanting to blog again for such a long time, but today, it hit me like a punch in the gut.
What exactly was I waiting for?
Well, that put my life in perspective.
Nobody reads my blog, I think. So it doesn’t really matter if I spill my guts on the internet, hence the title.
Do I think blogging is entirely introspective and egoistical?
Yes, most certainly.
But I’ll do it anyway, because it calms my nerves in some strange, incomprehensible way.
My O Results are coming out in about 4 days- okay a little less than 4 days- and now, the freaking out reaches a peak. I visited some polytechnics today, to inspect the grounds, see if they would be suitable. They were impressive, to say the least.
3 girls at Singapore Poly did a little poetry slam on the spot for me at The Agency, a seriously swanky little (big?) room at the base of the Media&Comm building on The Hilltop (Yes, its LITERALLY a hilltop). Okay, it wasn’t exactly a ‘poetry slam’, but the way they were presenting their piece was so choreographed, it was scary. They all looked similar too, except for some differences in height.
I can’t do that man.
*Feels supremely inferior*
Anyways, they all finish perfectly in sync and I’m just sitting there like
And they ask me sweetly, ‘Any questions?’
And I’m so overwhelmed I’m like
So they take that as a no. Well, I didn’t really have any questions anyways, I was so blown by their super-amazing-in-syncness, which completely answered all potential questions in a super-amazing-comprehensive-leaves-no-stone-unturned kinda way.
So that was it.
I’m still rather inclined towards Ngee Ann Poly though. Somehow, it feels right.
Then again, it might also be because there is a McDonalds on campus on SP.
That won’t do.
Ngee Ann has Waffletown. Okay, that’s not much better.
But waffles are awesome. And there is ice cream too. Yumma-yumma.
And that is how I weigh the pros and cons of my future education.
Yes, very intelligent I know.
Just kidding. But trust me, the real details on how I’m rationalizing the prospects are too boring to be put on Tumblr. When I get into the Disney College Programme (I wish) then I’ll rattle on about my career prospects as much as possible.
Anyhow, I have to work early tomorrow.
I work as a cashier part-time at a florists along Thomson Road. They pay $5 an hour- but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. So I suffer.
Singaporeans don’t exactly treat their service staff with utmost respect. You don’t really realize that until you BECOME service staff.
The other day, a Chinese lady paid me $72.50 entirely in 5 cent and 50 cent coins. I had to refrain from strangling her. I did, however, cast her a mildly dirty look. Thank the Lord no one noticed, but really, that woman deserved a nice kick in the butt. Coins, really?!
I’ve been watching Lost obsessively the past 2 days. I’ve already gone through 13 episodes of Season 1. Its fantastically scary but awesome. I still like OUAT more though, the cast is hotter, and Snow and Charming are the ultimate kick-butt fairytale couple. And I really like character spotting. Its gonna become my new thing.
I’m gonna be sleeping fitfully till my results are out. If they aren’t desirable- well I was contemplating making a dash off the parapet of the school hall. Quick, painless. But I digress. I hope I get what I worked for. I really hope so.
I’ll blog again soon. I’m starting to realize why I loved it so much, and why I was an idiot to stop.